Oh No! Tekoba!

Crazy Dreams
December 17, 2009, 6:37 pm
Filed under: Crazy Dreams

One of things I highly dislike is cigarettes. I have never smoked and never plan to. I don’t mind if others smoke, I just don’t want to be down wind of it.

For the past week, I have had dreams that I was smoking. Literally, every single night of this week I have smoked several of them in each dream. I have always had very vivid dreams and I always remember them the next day. The bad thing about remembering all my dreams is that they stay with me and make up how I will feel for the rest of the day.

Yesterday for example, I was actually craving a cigarette the entire day, up until I went to bed last night. Even today I woke up wanting one.

I should write my dreams down.

Last Night’s Dream:

I’m at a house that looks something like a beach house. I don’t live there but people who I know do and I’m staying there for a few days. Something happened before I got to the house and I was upset. A friend (I don’t know who) was at the house trying to calm me down. I got really upset and took a pack of cigarettes off the kitchen table and went out the back door. I sat on the porch steps and smoked  the whole pack, one right after another. At one point, I had a mirror in my had and looked at myself. I wanted to see what I looked like having a cigarette in my mouth. I looked awful. I put the mirror down and continued till I finished the whole pack. I don’t know if it made me feel any better, I woke up right after that.

Who knows what that’s supposed to mean but I know that I don’t like it. However, it’s better than having dreams about Kenya. Those have stopped this past week. I guess my brain is giving me a break of that for a bit. Too bad its a smoke break.


Sex Rehab
December 12, 2009, 11:48 pm
Filed under: Starting to open up

I started watching Sex Rehab on VH1 recently and for some reason, have gotten really emotionally invested in it. I have been reading the blogs of the cast members, added them all on twitter just to see how they are all doing. It’s very strange because I have never been interested in the whole Hollywood/famous people deal that people have been drooling over for so many years.

I have always felt like that whole other world of people (Holywoodness) are literally just like me. Well, minus everyone in the country knowing who I am. I don’t envy that. I feel like everyone has a purpose in life and I know for a fact that my purpose is not to be famous. I’m okay with that. I also don’t think that being in the spotlight is a bad thing. There are so many great things that have come from media industry and will continue to. I just know that I will never be apart of that. I don’t think I could handle it. I have been in tough situations and survived, but I don’t think I’m cut out for Hollywood. Ten thumbs up for those that have!!

Okay, I got off track.

Watching those folks on the show really made me feel something. I have always felt like celebrities are  just like me except for the fact that they can act better than I can. I am quite confident that if we had a navigation contest, I could navigate through downtown Nairobi better than all of them. We all have our talents. However, this group of people who I honestly had never heard of, made me feel like they were even more human than the rest of those Hollywood folks.

I guess the main reason for that is because they are on a show that puts them in a more vulnerable state that the rest of us would never dare to venture to. Like I said, I had no idea who they were until the show aired, yet am so proud of them for doing something that took real guts. Real people. So good to see.

I guess what I’m trying to say is… that show really made me start thinking about my childhood abuse. Crazy. A show. Of real people.

Thanks guys.

Eternal Sunshine
December 11, 2009, 6:28 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Sooo that was a bit much for a first post. I guess I really needed to get that off my chest.

In other news…
I just moved back to the States and have been living in an empty apartment for the past few months. It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be trying to start my life over again. Honestly though, I doubt I will ever fill this place with anything. I almost feel like I have lived this long without it and survived just fine, what’s another ten years? It’s crazy to think that I lived in a developing country for so long and actually had more there than I do here. Crazy.
Despite all things backwards, life is life and I will continue to be Joel Barish till the time comes when I can be Clementine again.

20 Years? Really??
December 10, 2009, 7:47 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , ,

Today something became so clear to me. I can’t remember when I started thinking about it everyday. I don’t know if I had never not thought about it at least once a day.  Compared to most abuse, I don’t feel like it’s that bad at all. But, for some reason today I thought about it and a whole other slew of similar memories that I had not thought about before, became all too clear.

I don’t understand how a person can think about being sexually assaulted everyday for a period of what could be 20 years and not even realize it.

None of it makes sense.

My parents knew. My grandparents knew. I told them. They believed me. But did they help me? I remember going to them and telling them what happened. Crying. Thats it. I don’t remember anything else. Did I get help? I don’t know. I don’t think so. I don’t remember. Maybe they didn’t think it was that bad. Maybe I didn’t either. But what did I know? I was only… I don’t know how old I was. Maybe 5? Maybe 7? 10?  You would think that I would remember how old I was.

What about the rest? All incidents were different. I never talked about the others to anyone though. I don’t know what came first though. Out of all of them, I have no idea which happened first. I feel like they all started at the same time, but in different places… different states even.

I guess it’s time to do some investigating.